So I know it's Valentine's Day in four days, and for the first time in years I'll actually have a boyfriend (notice, I said boyfriend, not simply dating someone) on that day. Those of you who know me know Valentine's Day has been a blackened day for years now. So, I owe this all to my beautiful boyfriend. I am not blogging about Valentine's Day, however.
I have been reading a lot lately about couples concerned about combining bank accounts when they get married or enter into a joint-living situation. I think most of us who are in our late twenties or early thirties grew up with parents who had joint accounts. It makes sense; you're married, you're joint basically. Why not have a joint account? It alleviates any mistrust one may feel toward his or her partner about their spending habits. After all, the bank statement or online banking is there to peruse. A night of fabulous spending on drinks with the girls or an ATM withdrawal at the strip club with your buddies isn't something you can hide from your spouse when they can see it in black and white.
I recently had this conversation with my boyfriend. We don't live together, but we're approaching the nine-month mark very shortly, so we've discussed living together. One of the topics that has come up in this ongoing discussion has been a joint account.
Proponents of joint accounts cite unity and trust as reasons for combining your funds into one pot. You're a couple, why keep separate money? A joint account facilitates trust and openness. Separate accounts make it easier for your spouse hide something from you. It takes away from the romance of marriage or whatever commitment you've entered into.
Romance does not always survive reality. Fifty percent of all marriages end in divorce, that goes for undocumented partnerships as well. When a couple divorcing goes into a Bitter Battle Barbie attack mode, money is almost always involved. How to split what you've accumulated together? And, how many couples who stay together fight constantly about money? Are you super pissed off about how much money your husband spent on new golf clubs, but you're bitter because he questioned you spending $100.00 on a night out with your friends or $300.00 on a fabulous pair of shoes?
Separate accounts solve that problem.
Also, let me make a few other points.
1. Just because you've fallen madly in love, have dated for a while, and want to spend your life with someone doesn't mean you're on the same financial page. Not everyone has the same ideals, outlook, and values when it comes to money. How many spendthrifts end up in love with frugal savers who can't stand their spending habits?
2. You should not expect your spouse or spouse-to-be to have the same monetary values as you going into the relationship.
3. This applies to all other facets of marriage and committed relationships; love does not conquer all. Sure, love is fabulous, but love doesn't solve the every day nitty gritty problems. Love is the reason you work through those problems but it does not offer a solution. If you or your spouse (to-be) has poor spending/saving habits they won't magically disappear because you're in love.
4. What you consider a fantastic purchase and a great bargain your spouse may balk at. Hey, it happens. One of you wants to build a home theater system while the other wants a new car or a new wardrobe. You're never going to have the same ideas on how to spend your money.
5. Let's say, horror of horrors, you're getting divorced or you're ending a very long-term relationship with someone you've lived with for years. Hey, it's ugly but let's face it: it happens. Money is the bitter pill or the chocolate icing on a cake you wanted frosted with vanilla. Sure, divorce is a legal proceeding so a dividing of the assets is going to happen. Undocumented monogamous, committed relationships are free and clear of this arrangement for the most part. Still, almost all of us work. We collect a paycheck. Let me present a scenario to you. A man and woman are getting a divorce after ten years of marriage. On top of every problem they're facing, they now have to go and open separate checking accounts while they dissolve the joint account. Both of them are paid via direct deposit. You can't always stop a direct deposit right away. Sometimes it takes a pay cycle or two. So paychecks are deposited into a joint, disputed account (that either of you can close at anytime or empty without the other's consent). In situations where divorces are bitter and brutal do you want your angry spouse having access to your paycheck? Probably not.
I don't understand why separate accounts are seen as bad things in a marriage or committed relationship. If you have a problem writing two checks to pay one bill, then keep separate accounts but open one joint one. You can each have your own accounts and transfer funds into the joint account to cover your household expenses only. That way, you're both pay equal shares of the rent/mortgage, utilities, etc., but you've still got control of your own money. It makes for less headaches and arguments.
In my own personal case, I would never ask or expect my boyfriend to pool all his money into one account with mine. I am adult enough to admit I'm not the greatest with money, and I do have debt. I do purchase more lattes at Caribou and Starbucks than I should. I buy clothes when I shouldn't. Do I want every purchase I make questioned? No, I most definitely do not. He knows he's better with money than I am, too. Also, what would happen if a debt collector came after me and my (joint) bank account? My boyfriend's earnings would be collected to cover that debt each time they were direct-deposited into the account. And, although we would undoubtedly get a head's up from the bank (or court order) he may not be able to stop a direct deposit before a check is deposited into the account. I do not want that kind of liability on my shoulders. Now, I'm not saying I'm ready to be sued or anything, but this kind of situation could happen if I suddenly became unable to keep up with my bills.
To be honest, I think any couple entering into a cohabitation where they share rent and utilities should go to financial counseling together. Many couples are suited for joint accounts and many are not. Most are definitely not, in my humble opinion. I think the stigma associated with separate accounts (Oh, you're not really committed if you can't share all your money) prevents many couples from seeing the logic behind this idea.
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