So there's a point where I have to step back, take a look at who I am and what I've become, and say to myself "Who the fuck are you?!"
All through my twenties I had a full-time and at least one, sometimes two, part-time jobs going on simultaneously. I may not have been saving money but I was paying my bills on time and spending the rest on what and who I wanted, how I wanted, and when I wanted. When I turned thirty with financial problems, mainly because I was in between jobs it was a blow to my ego. At thirty-two, being in between jobs again, and knowing I am not growing professionally is hard. It's very hard. To sink so low, to apply for jobs that are professionally beneath me and still be turned down because I am overfuckingqualified is hard to swallow. It's a bitter pill.
Despite the depression caused by my seemingly growing inability to find a full-time job, I have incredible friends and an amazing boyfriend. These amazing people are all that really stands between me and the cloudy abyss of nothingness. I love them dearly, they mean the world to me ... they have become my family, and yet I still feel alone much of the time.
My best friends have jobs. My boyfriend has a job. Sometimes I feel like their lives are all going somewhere; mine is stagnating. Some weeks I am gung ho, out there like a trooper ... commando job applicant/interviewee ... some weeks I'm so depressed it's all I can do to make it through the day. I try to this depression but I think they know.
But sometimes I think they don't know, or they pretend to not know. It's like "Well Mike used to always be okay and bounce back, he will find his way back." What if I don't? What if I don't make it back? What if I have become so disconnected that I cannot find that switch to turn the tides? Sometimes I fear I am dying ... paying a penance perhaps ... for karmic misdeeds of my youth. I know how stupid that sounds. What if it's true, though?
There's another contrast that seems striking. From the age of 19 to 30 I enjoyed financial fruitfulness. I always had money to spend, my bills were paid, and I never really hurt for anything. But I never really knew lasting love. Sure I fell in love a few times but it was always doomed from the start. Now that I am in love with someone who could and very will likely be with me for a very long time I am pretty much broke. That's a very bitter pill to swallow.
I think about the over one hundred partners (not friends) - romantic, sexual, semi-sexual - that have littered my past and I wonder what I am supposed to take away from all that. Sure I have a veritable fountain of youth of sexual experience and could please anyone sexually. I don't care about that anymore. Sure, the idea of casual sex is still hot, but the only person I want to please sexually is the man I am in love with. Everyone else can rot ... sexually, anyway.
But I've always been, even now, with my ultra-monogamous views, a very sexual individual ... a liberal one at that. And while I believe in monogamy, I do not believe in complete long-term monogamy. I do not believe two people can be together and be sexually happy for forty years without fucking someone else. That's not to say I don't respect monogamy. I very highly believe that before a relationship can survive under any other circumstance, a few years of love and respect must flourish between the two individuals in said relationship.
But I don't even want that ... I'm not even thinking about that. What I think about are the amazingly small things. I think about making him breakfast ... homemade blueberry pancakes with maple syrup and a tall glass of milk ... waking him up with little kisses all over his body ... flowers sent to him in the middle of the day ... a walk through the park holding hands and talking ... a romantic dinner and a night out ... having intense hardcore sex all night long and then falling asleep in each other's arms ... with one man ... with the man I am with and in love with.
In previous relationships, even those where I've been in love (Adam, Dan, Noah, Nate), I've always held a free idea of sex. Some of my friends have commented on how weird that is, and that perhaps it's because I always held myself back. I suppose in some ways I can see their point; There were dozens and dozens of casual partners from the ages of 15-24 but I never fell in love with any of them. I don't consider my lack of such freewheeling this time around as growing up. In fact, I firmly believe our ideas of sexuality actually mature with age as long as we are open.
But some days I feel like I am at a precipice and I'll just make the same mistakes I've made in relationships past. I've been officially single most of my adult life (despite the number of partners I've racked up), and I've always been okay with that. I came to terms with "Me" a long time ago. I'm comfortable growing old with Me and a dog. But now that I've experienced a slice of what it's like to be with someone who is not only beautiful and sexy and intelligent and funny, but sweet and caring, and honorable and respectful of the "me." How can I give that up?
And how can I continue to deserve this beautiful gift unless I can quickly get my shit together? I've tried, so hard I've tried.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Hello Brick Wall, Have You Met My Head?
I've been searching for a steady full-time job since August 2009. Since then I've had a part-time job I had to leave in March 2010, and a string of temp jobs from staffing agencies which ended within a couple of months. Experiencing this sort of sling shot affect wreaks havoc on the body, mind, and soul.
I started working at the age of fifteen at an Arby's and worked a series of part-time jobs until I turned eighteen. That's when I got my first full-time job. For sixteen years I had steady income from at least one source. During most of those years I had a full-time job and at least one part-time job on the side.
Losing my full-time job last August was a shock. It was unexpected. I've gotten a lot of flack from a lot of people since then. Surely I could have found a full-time job since then? What have I been doing with my time?
The answer to that is simple: I've been job searching.
During my job search and the nearly four dozen interviews I've gone on, I've discovered something. Despite my extremely eclectic work history, which has given me experience in a variety of fields, there really isn't anything that sets me apart from others in my age group. I'm 32, with some college experience (no degree), and have worked a string of steady jobs in customer service. There are five hundred other "me's" applying for every job I apply for.
Another kick in the teeth? I'm overqualified for many of the jobs that are open that I'd be willing to take at this point. This pool of jobs includes retail, coffee shops, fast food restaurants, gas stations, and the like. They pay significantly less than what I am used to bringing in. I cannot even tell you how many coffee shops, gas stations, retail stores, and fast food places I have submitted apps and interviewed for. It's quite a shittastic experience to be told you can't have a job at one of these establishments because you're vastly overqualified.
Some days it's really hard to maintain a positive attitude that things will turn around as long as I keep plugging away, applying and going to interviews. Sometimes I feel angry at those sell drugs to make money or fuck their way into a job or those who have milked the government for welfare checks by popping out eight children. Okay I feel angry at these people MOST of the time, not just some of the time.
In some ways I am simply banging my head against the wall, though. Considering there are five hundred other Me's out there applying for every job I apply for, most of whom have extremely similar customer service backgrounds, shouldn't I be adjusting my thinking? I've considered applying for entry level positions in non-customer service fields I've never worked in ... but that presents a whole new set of challenges.
Despite what the government says, I also fear the recession is far from over. And what most people don't realize is that nearly three quarters of the jobs that were lost are never coming back. That means we have to create new jobs in new fields for those of us who have lost jobs. More evidence, perhaps, that I'm on the wrong track pursuing customer service jobs? Probably.
Alright, so, now that I've banged out this post and have expressed my feelings of utter defeatism, it's time to recharge and try again.
I started working at the age of fifteen at an Arby's and worked a series of part-time jobs until I turned eighteen. That's when I got my first full-time job. For sixteen years I had steady income from at least one source. During most of those years I had a full-time job and at least one part-time job on the side.
Losing my full-time job last August was a shock. It was unexpected. I've gotten a lot of flack from a lot of people since then. Surely I could have found a full-time job since then? What have I been doing with my time?
The answer to that is simple: I've been job searching.
During my job search and the nearly four dozen interviews I've gone on, I've discovered something. Despite my extremely eclectic work history, which has given me experience in a variety of fields, there really isn't anything that sets me apart from others in my age group. I'm 32, with some college experience (no degree), and have worked a string of steady jobs in customer service. There are five hundred other "me's" applying for every job I apply for.
Another kick in the teeth? I'm overqualified for many of the jobs that are open that I'd be willing to take at this point. This pool of jobs includes retail, coffee shops, fast food restaurants, gas stations, and the like. They pay significantly less than what I am used to bringing in. I cannot even tell you how many coffee shops, gas stations, retail stores, and fast food places I have submitted apps and interviewed for. It's quite a shittastic experience to be told you can't have a job at one of these establishments because you're vastly overqualified.
Some days it's really hard to maintain a positive attitude that things will turn around as long as I keep plugging away, applying and going to interviews. Sometimes I feel angry at those sell drugs to make money or fuck their way into a job or those who have milked the government for welfare checks by popping out eight children. Okay I feel angry at these people MOST of the time, not just some of the time.
In some ways I am simply banging my head against the wall, though. Considering there are five hundred other Me's out there applying for every job I apply for, most of whom have extremely similar customer service backgrounds, shouldn't I be adjusting my thinking? I've considered applying for entry level positions in non-customer service fields I've never worked in ... but that presents a whole new set of challenges.
Despite what the government says, I also fear the recession is far from over. And what most people don't realize is that nearly three quarters of the jobs that were lost are never coming back. That means we have to create new jobs in new fields for those of us who have lost jobs. More evidence, perhaps, that I'm on the wrong track pursuing customer service jobs? Probably.
Alright, so, now that I've banged out this post and have expressed my feelings of utter defeatism, it's time to recharge and try again.
Friday, October 8, 2010
R.I.P.
Justin Aaberg, a 15-year-old student in Anoka, Minnesota hanged himself on July 9, 2010. It was the third such suicide in just a year in the Anoka-Hennepin school district in Minnesota. To make this matter truly horrifying, September 2010 turned out to not only be grim but downright horrific.
Just last month, 15-year-old Billy Lucas of Indiana, 13-year-old Asher Brown of Texas, and 13-year-old Seth Walsh of California all took their own lives. But things would get drastically worse before the month's end. September closed its doors with two young men in college - Tyler Clementi, a closeted 18-year-old and Raymond Chase, an openly gay sophomore majoring in culinary arts - taking their own lives as well. Rather than suffer the humiliation of being outed by his roommate, Clementi plunged 600 feet off the George Washington Bridge to his death. Chase hanged himself in his dormitory room.
What do these six young men have in common? All were gay and victims of homophobic bullying. Clementi's case has been the most nationally recognized, as his roommate conspired with another student to capture Clementi's sexual encounter with another male student on a webcam set up in their room. He then tweeted to get people to log into the webcam.
But the disturbing news does not stop there. Last year two school teachers in the Anoka-Hennepin school district were accused of and charged with harrassment of a student (who, incidentally, is not gay) who transferred to another district. The teachers subjected said student to harrassment in front of his classmates and even tag-team bullied him. The student was awarded a $25,000 settlement from the district and teachers remain on leave but have not yet been formally dismissed.
These six young men in the past three months are just the cases that we know about. How many more LGBT teens out there are suffering to the point they feel they have no option but to take their own lives?
Of course, bullying among children and teens is nothing new and is hardly restricted to homophobic bullying.
Today it was reported in New York City that seven people, aged 16 to 23, have been arrested and charged in connection to brutal gay beatings in the Bronx. While hate crimes are easier to prosecute, bullying is something that most Americans have simply become immune to. After all, most all of us have been bullied at one point or another. So it could be said the easiest way to deal with it is to suck it up and get through it. Life will get better.
But we don't really know that. We don't know how these young men who took their own lives would have turned out. Ongoing or extremely harsh bullying has been shown to leave deep psychological scars that people carry into adulthood. In Tyler Clementi's case he had a private encounter with another man secretly uploaded to the Internet without his knowledge or consent.
This line of thinking brings up another question. Are the individuals responsible for bullying these boys in some way responsible for their deaths? Again, Clementi's case is unique from the other five due to the invasion of privacy involved. After all, these boys committed suicide. They weren't murdered. They made the decision to take their own lives.
I say yes, the bullies are in some way responsible. Bullies made their lives hell day in and day out for who knows how long. People who commit suicide typically have some sort of psychological break and are often pushed to the point of that break. The people who bullied these boys into committing suicide may not have pushed them off a bridge or handed them the rope they were found hanging from, but their bullying was the psychological instrument of destruction.
R.I.P. Justin, Billy, Asher, Seth, Tyler, and Raymond.
Just last month, 15-year-old Billy Lucas of Indiana, 13-year-old Asher Brown of Texas, and 13-year-old Seth Walsh of California all took their own lives. But things would get drastically worse before the month's end. September closed its doors with two young men in college - Tyler Clementi, a closeted 18-year-old and Raymond Chase, an openly gay sophomore majoring in culinary arts - taking their own lives as well. Rather than suffer the humiliation of being outed by his roommate, Clementi plunged 600 feet off the George Washington Bridge to his death. Chase hanged himself in his dormitory room.
What do these six young men have in common? All were gay and victims of homophobic bullying. Clementi's case has been the most nationally recognized, as his roommate conspired with another student to capture Clementi's sexual encounter with another male student on a webcam set up in their room. He then tweeted to get people to log into the webcam.
But the disturbing news does not stop there. Last year two school teachers in the Anoka-Hennepin school district were accused of and charged with harrassment of a student (who, incidentally, is not gay) who transferred to another district. The teachers subjected said student to harrassment in front of his classmates and even tag-team bullied him. The student was awarded a $25,000 settlement from the district and teachers remain on leave but have not yet been formally dismissed.
These six young men in the past three months are just the cases that we know about. How many more LGBT teens out there are suffering to the point they feel they have no option but to take their own lives?
Of course, bullying among children and teens is nothing new and is hardly restricted to homophobic bullying.
Today it was reported in New York City that seven people, aged 16 to 23, have been arrested and charged in connection to brutal gay beatings in the Bronx. While hate crimes are easier to prosecute, bullying is something that most Americans have simply become immune to. After all, most all of us have been bullied at one point or another. So it could be said the easiest way to deal with it is to suck it up and get through it. Life will get better.
But we don't really know that. We don't know how these young men who took their own lives would have turned out. Ongoing or extremely harsh bullying has been shown to leave deep psychological scars that people carry into adulthood. In Tyler Clementi's case he had a private encounter with another man secretly uploaded to the Internet without his knowledge or consent.
This line of thinking brings up another question. Are the individuals responsible for bullying these boys in some way responsible for their deaths? Again, Clementi's case is unique from the other five due to the invasion of privacy involved. After all, these boys committed suicide. They weren't murdered. They made the decision to take their own lives.
I say yes, the bullies are in some way responsible. Bullies made their lives hell day in and day out for who knows how long. People who commit suicide typically have some sort of psychological break and are often pushed to the point of that break. The people who bullied these boys into committing suicide may not have pushed them off a bridge or handed them the rope they were found hanging from, but their bullying was the psychological instrument of destruction.
R.I.P. Justin, Billy, Asher, Seth, Tyler, and Raymond.
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