Separate Accounts Do Not Equal Separate Bedrooms!

So I know it's Valentine's Day in four days, and for the first time in years I'll actually have a boyfriend (notice, I said boyfriend, not simply dating someone) on that day.  Those of you who know me know Valentine's Day has been a blackened day for years now.  So, I owe this all to my beautiful boyfriend.  I am not blogging about Valentine's Day, however.


I have been reading a lot lately about couples concerned about combining bank accounts when they get married or enter into a joint-living situation.  I think most of us who are in our late twenties or early thirties grew up with parents who had joint accounts.  It makes sense; you're married, you're joint basically.  Why not have a joint account?  It alleviates any mistrust one may feel toward his or her partner about their spending habits.  After all, the bank statement or online banking is there to peruse.  A night of fabulous spending on drinks with the girls or an ATM withdrawal at the strip club with your buddies isn't something you can hide from your spouse when they can see it in black and white.


I recently had this conversation with my boyfriend.  We don't live together, but we're approaching the nine-month mark very shortly, so we've discussed living together.  One of the topics that has come up in this ongoing discussion has been a joint account.


Proponents of joint accounts cite unity and trust as reasons for combining your funds into one pot.  You're a couple, why keep separate money?  A joint account facilitates trust and openness.  Separate accounts make it easier for your spouse hide something from you.  It takes away from the romance of marriage or whatever commitment you've entered into.


Romance does not always survive reality.  Fifty percent of all marriages end in divorce, that goes for undocumented partnerships as well.  When a couple divorcing goes into a Bitter Battle Barbie attack mode, money is almost always involved.  How to split what you've accumulated together?  And, how many couples who stay together fight constantly about money?  Are you super pissed off about how much money your husband spent on new golf clubs, but you're bitter because he questioned you spending $100.00 on a night out with your friends or $300.00 on a fabulous pair of shoes? 


Separate accounts solve that problem.


Also, let me make a few other points.


1.  Just because you've fallen madly in love, have dated for a while, and want to spend your life with someone doesn't mean you're on the same financial page.  Not everyone has the same ideals, outlook, and values when it comes to money.  How many spendthrifts end up in love with frugal savers who can't stand their spending habits?


2.  You should not expect your spouse or spouse-to-be to have the same monetary values as you going into the relationship.


3.  This applies to all other facets of marriage and committed relationships; love does not conquer all.  Sure, love is fabulous, but love doesn't solve the every day nitty gritty problems. Love is the reason you work through those problems but it does not offer a solution.  If you or your spouse (to-be) has poor spending/saving habits they won't magically disappear because you're in love.


4.  What you consider a fantastic purchase and a great bargain your spouse may balk at.  Hey, it happens.  One of you wants to build a home theater system while the other wants a new car or a new wardrobe.  You're never going to have the same ideas on how to spend your money.


5.  Let's say, horror of horrors, you're getting divorced or you're ending a very long-term relationship with someone you've lived with for years.  Hey, it's ugly but let's face it: it happens.  Money is the bitter pill or the chocolate icing on a cake you wanted frosted with vanilla.  Sure, divorce is a legal proceeding so a dividing of the assets is going to happen.  Undocumented monogamous, committed relationships are free and clear of this arrangement for the most part.  Still, almost all of us work.  We collect a paycheck.  Let me present a scenario to you.  A man and woman are getting a divorce after ten years of marriage.  On top of every problem they're facing, they now have to go and open separate checking accounts while they dissolve the joint account.  Both of them are paid via direct deposit.  You can't always stop a direct deposit right away.  Sometimes it takes a pay cycle or two.  So paychecks are deposited into a joint, disputed account (that either of you can close at anytime or empty without the other's consent).  In situations where divorces are bitter and brutal do you want your angry spouse having access to your paycheck?  Probably not.


I don't understand why separate accounts are seen as bad things in a marriage or committed relationship.  If you have a problem writing two checks to pay one bill, then keep separate accounts but open one joint one.  You can each have your own accounts and transfer funds into the joint account to cover your household expenses only.  That way, you're both pay equal shares of the rent/mortgage, utilities, etc., but you've still got control of your own money.  It makes for less headaches and arguments.


In my own personal case, I would never ask or expect my boyfriend to pool all his money into one account with mine.  I am adult enough to admit I'm not the greatest with money, and I do have debt.  I do purchase more lattes at Caribou and Starbucks than I should.  I buy clothes when I shouldn't.  Do I want every purchase I make questioned?  No, I most definitely do not.  He knows he's better with money than I am, too.  Also, what would happen if a debt collector came after me and my (joint) bank account?  My boyfriend's earnings would be collected to cover that debt each time they were direct-deposited into the account.  And, although we would undoubtedly get a head's up from the bank (or court order) he may not be able to stop a direct deposit before a check is deposited into the account.  I do not want that kind of liability on my shoulders.  Now, I'm not saying I'm ready to be sued or anything, but this kind of situation could happen if I suddenly became unable to keep up with my bills.


To be honest, I think any couple entering into a cohabitation where they share rent and utilities should go to financial counseling together.  Many couples are suited for joint accounts and many are not.  Most are definitely not, in my humble opinion.  I think the stigma associated with separate accounts (Oh, you're not really committed if you can't share all your money) prevents many couples from seeing the logic behind this idea.

No, We Aren't Sluts!

So a thought crossed my mind earlier tonight while watching Sex and the City (the series, not one of the films).  How many of us are ever truly 100% honest with our partners about our sexual pasts?

Whether it's the number of people we've bedded or certain types of sexual experimentation we're certain our partners would disapprove of or judge us harshly on, I feel everyone withholds information about their sexual past from current partners.  

Of course, how many of our current romantic partners truly want a complete run down of our sexual histories?  Let's face it ... most of us have had dozens of partners.  Some of us have even crossed into triple digits.  Now, when I say sexual partners I mean jobs of all kind ... blow jobs, hand jobs, fucking, sucking, rimming, pussy-eating, strap-on using, threesomes, foursomes, group sex, voyeurism, hand-cuffs, whips and chains, neck-ties, belts, and every other adult kink act one can think of.  

But let me branch off.  In this modern age, defining a partner by the number of sexual partners and/or activities they've participated in prior to the current relationship is barbaric.  Personally, I've never considered a partner with a vast sexual history someone to be ashamed of.  Quite frankly, I respect any adult honest enough to hold their head up high when it comes to their sexual past.  

I never understood the parochial value of saving one's self until marriage (or a marriage-equivalent).  It's so fucking wretched, to be honest.  At the risk of sounding harsh, I personally would not want to bed a virgin at this point in my life.  If you are a virgin, and you marry someone who is not a virgin, do you really think they're going to enjoy that wedding night?  Yeah, they will enjoy fucking your tight ass (or pussy, if that's the case) and popping your Cherry Darling, but the blow job your perform will be without technique and probably full of teeth.  And when they're fucking you, you probably won't have much in the way of rhythm and skill.

I'm not knocking virgins.  I'm just saying ... why are you waiting?  Have sex already!

Back to my point, though ... I do not understand why people are so offended when they find out their partner has had a prior sexual experience that was vast, to say the least.  If you weren't acting like such a prude bitch they would have probably told you about it.

Now, I will admit I've not always been so honest in my romantic history.  I've had boyfriends in my past where I held certain things back.  I've never outright lied about a sex act I've participated in.  If they asked, I told.  I just never volunteered.  In my current relationship, however, I've been very blunt about my sexual history.  It was very important to me to do that in the beginning.  Information has a way of bubbling its way to the surface - I've learned from shitty experience - so I felt it was best to just lay my sexual past out there.

But does this kill romance?  Not at all!  In fact, your sex life will be a lot more rewarding if you show off all your skills.

Now I'll admit, I used to feel guilty rolling through my twenties, racking up sex partners left and right.  But at thirty-two, very happy in my relationship with my beautiful boyfriend, I find myself proud of my sexual past.

Am I A Wretched Cunt?

So I just had a conversation tonight with an old acquaintance from the city I used to live in.  I've known this guy for about five years now.  I've never really gotten to know him real well; he's always just been this "friend" I've had random conversations with from time to time over the years.  He's nice enough, don't get me wrong.  We just never hung out that much.

Part of this may be due to the fact I'm ten years older than he is.  Even though I have, in the past, had a habit of dating younger guys and befriending younger people I find the older I get the more annoying young people become.  My boyfriend is five and a half years younger than me, and I do have several younger friends, but I no longer go out and party with younger people and many of the "younger" people I know have simply fallen into the acquaintance category.  I think this is mostly owing to the fact that I've crossed the threshold (thirty) and even though thirty is no longer considered old, I feel I have no patience for the angst and drama of a twenty-two year old.  After all, a thirty-two year old man has his own set of complex problems, far more evolved and different than a man ten years younger.

So my aforementioned friend was bitching and moaning about all his problems; no one loves him, he has no money, he has no job, he has no life, he wants to die, blah blah blah.  Now, I'm not saying someone wanting to die is a blah blah blah state of affairs.  After all, I'm not a completely heinous cunt.  However, I feel like I have no patience for the "oh my poor life" attitude coming from someone who is twenty-two.

Does that make me a wretched bitch?

After all, I did offer him some compassionate advice.  Simply put, I told him he is never going to be happy in a relationship until he can learn to make himself happy.  I realize this is a harsh concept for many to grasp; I don't personally understand why.  I mean, I've been single for very long periods of time in my adult life and I've never been seriously depressed about it.  In fact, up until I started dating my current boyfriend I had been single for about two years and was completely happy and content being single.  Sure, I was super excited about having a boyfriend, but it wasn't something I expected to find.  I was not out looking for one.

In my humble fucking opinion, that's why my relationship is working.

Go Go Gadget, Martini!

Last week I saw the cutest little kid in a stroller in this little costume (I can't tell you what kind of costume it was).  Now, ordinarily people see cute little children and their hearts melt.

Mine doesn't.  In fact, it goes frigid.  Don't get me wrong, I don't hate children.  In fact, I have absolutely wonderful nephews and a beautiful niece.  However, since I never want a child of my own, I'm often disgusted by how over-indulgent parents allow their children to become.  Alright, let me clarify a statement I just made ... I don't hate MOST children.  Let's be real here, people, many children are just assholes.  Small, mewling, diaper-shitting, crying, screaming assholes in need of a spanking.

Now, I remember (and my mother will verify this) that my little brother and I did not act like little shit heads in department stores.  If we screamed, cried, threw a fit, our mother was respectful enough of everyone around us to get us the fuck out of the store quickly.  If we ever wanted to shopping with her again, we had to promise not to act like shit heads.  Yes, we had our moments of "I want this, I want it, I want it, I want it now!"  I also knew that when my mother said "No," and had that certain look in her eyes it was time to shut the fuck up.

We did not act like the children I see today who plop themselves down the floor, screaming as though someone is bludgeoning them with a machete, protesting with all their forty-seven pounds.  I saw a woman yesterday drag her toddler (who sat on the floor in protest because she refused to buy him a toy) across the sales floor of my store.  I called AP on my walkie to watch her.  She kept threatening to beat his ass.

Don't get me wrong.  As a kid who grew up in the eighties, most parents who spanked their children only did so when absolutely necessary.  The only times I was ever spanked as a child was when every other disciplinary technique failed.

But this bitch who dragged her child across a sales floor by the arm ... first of all, you OBESE CUNT, way to pull your child's arm out of its socket!  Jerry and Maury are lined up ready to make another million off your stupid fat ass.  Second, if you're actually going to bring a child into this world and keep him/her, learn some parenting skills.  Have you heard of Social Services???  My tax dollars are partially being spent to help you become a better mother.  Use them, you idiotic bitch.

This all makes me wonder what kind of parent I'd be.  Yes, I'm compassionate and sensitive, and loving and caring and all that bullshit, but I'm no longer as patient as I used to be.  The thought of 3AM feedings for a mewling infant makes me want to reach for the martini shaker.  Go, Go, Gadget Martini!

Yet, even though my parents are awash with grandchildren (thanks Josh!!!), a very small part of me wonders, do I want to procreate?  Hell, even if I could spend a few days jerking off in some cups for some baby-longing lesbians, I'd being doing my part to ensure the best part of humanity survives!  After all, I was an  adorable baby and an even more adorable child.  I've got the pictures to prove it.  Yet, there are millions of babies all over the world born to parents who are unworthy or who simply do not want to be parents.  If I were to suddenly develop a longing to be parent, I'm 99% certain I would rather adopt a baby than create one of my own.

Not so on target.

For the past few months I have been working at Target.  No, not Target Corporate, as I am more than qualified to work for.  I am speaking of the retail store.  Now, it is the downtown Minneapolis Target, which is the best Target despite it not being a Target Superstore.

Last week I began a series of interviews with Ameriprise for a financial advisor position.  I wasn't too sure I'd get it but I when I quickly progressed to the final interview process I figured I stood as good a chance as anyone.  I didn't get the job, but the process renewed my sense of vigor in returning to the corporate world.  After all, Target was a hold over to begin with.  I took the position because I could not find a corporate job and I was out of money.  I will find my niche again and I will return to the corporate world very soon.  I know that.

In the meantime, I will continue to work at Target.  Yesterday, however, I learned something very disturbing.  In order to be an official Team Lead at a Target Retail store, at least at the downtown Minneapolis store, you must be pursuing a college degree or have a four-year degree.  What the FUCK?!?!?  Now, at the age of 32, I have more than 10 years of experience in corporate America, and two years experience in restaurant management, as well as part-time experience in retail, deejaying in a club, and being a photobooth operator, which requires a lot of ass-kissing to potential clients. So, on the off chance I wanted to stay at Target (retail) long-term I'd have to have a four-year degree to be a team lead??

Really???  I don't fucking think so!!!!

Now, currently I make federal minimum wage at this position.  Yes, Target (retail) underpays its employees.  This is the lowest wage I have earned in over a decade (that includes a part-time position at a gas station and being a club deejay).  I learned as a Team Lead the most I can make at this position is just over $10.50 an hour!!  Um, excuse me but um a customer service agent at a call center makes somewhere in the ball park of $12.00-$14.00 an hour to just answer general billing questions.

My highest paid hourly position was $15.10 per hour, which is almost 2x what Target pays me.  I feel I do more at Target.

Sick, huh?