Last week I saw the cutest little kid in a stroller in this little costume (I can't tell you what kind of costume it was). Now, ordinarily people see cute little children and their hearts melt.
Mine doesn't. In fact, it goes frigid. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate children. In fact, I have absolutely wonderful nephews and a beautiful niece. However, since I never want a child of my own, I'm often disgusted by how over-indulgent parents allow their children to become. Alright, let me clarify a statement I just made ... I don't hate MOST children. Let's be real here, people, many children are just assholes. Small, mewling, diaper-shitting, crying, screaming assholes in need of a spanking.
Now, I remember (and my mother will verify this) that my little brother and I did not act like little shit heads in department stores. If we screamed, cried, threw a fit, our mother was respectful enough of everyone around us to get us the fuck out of the store quickly. If we ever wanted to shopping with her again, we had to promise not to act like shit heads. Yes, we had our moments of "I want this, I want it, I want it, I want it now!" I also knew that when my mother said "No," and had that certain look in her eyes it was time to shut the fuck up.
We did not act like the children I see today who plop themselves down the floor, screaming as though someone is bludgeoning them with a machete, protesting with all their forty-seven pounds. I saw a woman yesterday drag her toddler (who sat on the floor in protest because she refused to buy him a toy) across the sales floor of my store. I called AP on my walkie to watch her. She kept threatening to beat his ass.
Don't get me wrong. As a kid who grew up in the eighties, most parents who spanked their children only did so when absolutely necessary. The only times I was ever spanked as a child was when every other disciplinary technique failed.
But this bitch who dragged her child across a sales floor by the arm ... first of all, you OBESE CUNT, way to pull your child's arm out of its socket! Jerry and Maury are lined up ready to make another million off your stupid fat ass. Second, if you're actually going to bring a child into this world and keep him/her, learn some parenting skills. Have you heard of Social Services??? My tax dollars are partially being spent to help you become a better mother. Use them, you idiotic bitch.
This all makes me wonder what kind of parent I'd be. Yes, I'm compassionate and sensitive, and loving and caring and all that bullshit, but I'm no longer as patient as I used to be. The thought of 3AM feedings for a mewling infant makes me want to reach for the martini shaker. Go, Go, Gadget Martini!
Yet, even though my parents are awash with grandchildren (thanks Josh!!!), a very small part of me wonders, do I want to procreate? Hell, even if I could spend a few days jerking off in some cups for some baby-longing lesbians, I'd being doing my part to ensure the best part of humanity survives! After all, I was an adorable baby and an even more adorable child. I've got the pictures to prove it. Yet, there are millions of babies all over the world born to parents who are unworthy or who simply do not want to be parents. If I were to suddenly develop a longing to be parent, I'm 99% certain I would rather adopt a baby than create one of my own.
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