So I've always prided myself on looking younger than I actually am. It's not that I'm old or anything; I'm only thirty-two. However, it's nice being thirty-two and having people who don't know you think you're twenty-five. We'll chalk that up to Mikey splashing around in a bath of vanity. Notice bitches, I said bath (as in bath tub) not sea.
But over the last year or so I've begun to realize that certain twenty-something behaviors are really beginning to piss me the fuck off. *gasp!* What the fuck has happened to Mikey?
I can't really say where or when the switch occured. I think back to my own behaviors as a twenty-something. I threw house parties galore, fucked around with and dated more men than I dare admit to, did fabulous things with fabulous friends, took risks like I was fucking cat with eighteen lives, and generally approached life with a devil-may-care attitude.
For ten years that worked. I had great jobs, good money, and security. Perhaps now that those luxuries are gone, I have also been forced to examine the things in my past that led to where I am today. Every action has a consequence, and as a firm believer in Karma, is the Queen Bitch now kicking my ass for every rotten and/or selfish thing I did in my twenties? Are my entire thirties doomed? If so, can someone please bludgeon me to death with a blunt object now?
I'm not so sure that's how it works. Even though my financial life kind of went into a tailspin once I hit my thirties (how backwards and fucked up is that, by the way, that I should be somewhat lucky and prosperous in my twenties and have my finances go to shit once I hit thirty?), I'd like to think that I still have a lot to be thankful for. After all, I am emotionally and intellectually a lot better off than I was ten years ago. I've gone through a lot of drama, lived a lot of life, suffered through the consequences of some really bad decisions, and have come out of it scathed yet somewhat wise.
Sometimes I feel like a flip-flopper. In my twenties I was financially smart. I always a great paying, secure full-time job and often a part-time job as a supplement. I had a savings account, extra money to throw around for fun, to help my friends and family when needed, and impulse buying was never harmful. My personal life was another story, however. I won't go into the hook-ups, randoms, or friends with benefits that rotated in and out of orbit, I'll just speak to the actual relationships ... oh hey, is that the Titanic over there?!?!
My actual dating relationships of my twenties were dismal, to say the least. In fact most of them aren't worth mentioning as they were really just friends with benefits. Even though I dove out of the closet at 17, I didn't have an actual "relationship" after the age of 19 until I was 24. That relationship was Adam. I lived with him for the entire first year of our relationship; he broke up with me on our first anniversary yet we lived together for another full year (as great friends) until I moved. After that pain I resolved to never make that mistake again. Next came Dan. I met Dan online in spring 2005. I had moved to Sioux Falls. Dan lived in Mankato at the time. I turned 27 the summer I dated Dan. I drove from Sioux Falls to Mankato every weekend to be with him for almost three months. After that ended (almost amicably) and Dan and I strived for a friendship, Adam and I began round deux in January 2006. This mistake (not because it was Adam) lasted for eleven months and included a lot of drama. In June 2007 I met Noah. I drove to Minneapolis every other weekend for nearly three months (I moved here in September 2007, just two days after he broke up with me) and he drove to Sioux Falls every opposite weekend.
Each of these reltationships have one thing in common (even though Adam, Dan, and Noah are totally opposite in every way): me. How many relationships does one have to endure before realizing it isn't the pile up of exes that are the problem? How many bad break-ups, relationship crises, and late night calls to friends does a guy have to go through before realizing that ~ Jesus Fucking Christ you mean to tell me it's not them?!?!? ~ the problem isn't the ever-climbing stack of exes? When do we finally learn that it's us?
It wasn't until 2008 came along, and my financial situation started to tumble down the rabbit hole, that I met someone who actually made me shiver. I fell so hard for this invidual that it shook me to my core. The problem was (along with the fact that this person, who would eventually become my closest friend, was my ex's ex) he considered me a friend and nothing more. Our frienship grew and went through some growing pains, and my heart broke into a million pieces as I adjusted to the fact we'd only ever be friends.
Today, I have emerged as an emotionally wise and stronger individual. I am madly in love with a man who (is not only in love with me in return) loves me for who I am. I am still recovering from the financial crisis that hit my life a couple of years ago, but I feel I am better off now. For the first time ever, I feel like I am truly ready to give myself to someone, and considering the man I have given myself to, I am the lucky one.
So I think there is a trade-off once you hit your thirties. You have to give to get. You might not always get to choose what you're giving up, but I think if you try to be the best human being you can be then life will reward you with something amazing.
Of course, I still can't figure out why I just can't fucking have it all damn it!!!
In many ways I look back on the last decade with a bit of amazement. First, I made it through the last decade with all my limbs intact. That alone is an accomplishment. If you know me personally then you can agree. Second, I'm actually cognizant enough to recognize where I made mistakes. Of course I'm still learning from those mistakes. Sometimes I feel a bit vain when it comes to feeling retrospective; like I'm feeling a little "oooh I know what I did wrong I'm better than you!" I don't feel like that.
I envy the people who never made the mistakes I made. I envy those who came out unscathed. However, I also feel like the lessons I've learned due to the vast deposit of mistakes I've made have made into the Carrie Bradshaw of gay men.
Looking back on the lessons I've learned I am curious to know what I will be thinking once I hit 40 or 42.
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