Recently I have watched a couple of seriously unfortunate things happen to a friend of mine. He's a good guy, works, pays his bills, and while not the most tactful individual in the world is one of the funniest people I've ever met. Perhaps his only true crime is hiding behind a wall to protect himself. And if that's a crime, well then 90% of the human race is guilty.
Some of the decisions I've seen him make since knowing him have given me pause, however. He often buries things and pretends that actual problems don't exist until it's too late. Seeing this happen has made me realize some things about my own life the past couple years. You see, my friend is allowing things to happen to himself. By not taking action when necessary he's basically inviting trouble but hoping (at the same time) it just quietly goes away without rearing its ugly head. He isn't tackling problems head on.
The reflection is like a mirror I cannot get away from. It's looking me square in the face everywhere I go now. My friend is several years younger than me, and is at this place much earlier in life that I came to be. You see, he's in his early twenties. All throughout my twenties I was pretty prosperous. I had great paying full-time jobs, often at least one part-time concurrently, paid my bills on time for the part, and had a great network of friends. Shortly before my twenty-ninth birthday I visited Minneapolis with my very best friend for Gay Pride 2007. After two days I knew I was moving there; a couple months before I learned the full-time job at the cable company I worked for would be ending in February 2008. I made a conscious decision that weekend that in March 2008, when my lease was up, I'd move.
I'm not sure when or where exactly the switch occurred. I knew I was leaving, I had a plan, I had a savings account, I had a full-time and two part-time jobs, I was on my way. Then I met Noah, who lived in Minneapolis. I let my wanderlust for him and the city of Minneapolis detract me from my goal, and I ended up moving early (September 2007), that would turn 2008 into one of the most chaotic years of my life.
As a result I began to question my ability to make good decisions, even though I had made good decisions for twelve years leading up to that chaotic break. I spent 2009 and much of this year just letting this happen. I've made a few good decisions, but my fear of acting on what I know I should be doing has made me weak.
This is one of those other instances where I look at my friend and I see myself. I've noticed I have a lot of opinions about things he does, and I've come to realize it's because I recognize so much of my own personality in his. We are most definitely alike in more ways than I would have initially cared to admit. I think that's why I am so critical when I see him making a decision I recognize as the wrong one. It's one of those "I've made that decision, I know what's going to happen" types of situations. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. Everyone has to make their own mistakes.
Not only does everyone have to make their own mistakes; everyone has to learn from their own mistakes. While I've certainly learned from mistakes in my personal life, I've not learned as much as I'd thought in my professional life. I still make mistakes when it comes to job hunting, dealing with professional matters, etc. Seeing my friend make these mistakes me furious at myself because I realize I have regressed in this regard. I'm making mistakes I've not made since I was 19 or 20. That realization pisses me off, since I'm 32. I mean, surely I should have fucking learned all these lessons BY NOW?!?!
I can't sit here and say I now have a clear road map of where I need to go and what I need to do. I can sit here and say I realize I've judged a friend harshly (and that makes me sad, even though the harshness came from a place of experience and recognition), and that it's made me realize I have some self-judgments to work through.
So now comes to the decision. For two years I've just kind of hopped on to life and flew along for the ride. With the exception of a couple instances I've not grabbed life by the balls and said "I'm in control, bitch, we're doing it my way." I can sit here and say I'm going to let life happen to me (and anyone close to me knows where that has gotten me) or I can say "2011 is going to be my year."
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