Torched

Somewhere out in the back of my mind, comes a shot in the arm.

We've all heard someone, somewhere, say it: when one door closes, another door opens.

This past week has been, so far, a strange melange of emotions.  Something new, very wonderful, and powerful is brewing in my life, and I'm not talking about my new job ... which is going great.  At the same time, I've suffered two staggering losses this week (both have been stewing for a while, one was more expected than the other).  My two very  best friends have cut themselves out of my life; one was a very amicable, mutually agreed upon split while the other has begun to froth with contention and anger.

Loss is a very strange beast; typically I wrap myself up in my emotions but Loss has it's own corner in the basement, unfettered and secluded from its peers like a leper, making dark love to me in my quiet time like a ghastly visitor praying to not been seen.

So far I've dealt with the loss very well.  Although, I cannot really afford myself the luxury of falling apart, so I soldier on in dramatic fashion.  Come to think of it, I've never soldiered in any other fashion.  Is that my mark on the beast?

In an odd twist of something so intangible I dare not try to name it, I feel an odd sense of relief over the loss.  Neither loss is something I wanted; I love both of these individuals with everything I have.  The amicable loss .... fuck that terminology, that friendship had far too much passion to settle for that ... I'll say appropriate loss ... the appropriate loss was friendly and although initiated by him, mutually agreed upon.  I do have hope that friendship will pick back up some day.  The other one ... I do think it's done.  Too much has happened, almost all of it my fault, but too much.  The relief comes from the fact that I feel more at peace than I did before.  The conflicts that exist here can now be extinguished.

No one escapes from this battle ... undamaged.  I will adapt to this silence ... I will live here without you ... I'm learning to not hear your songs.