Mirrors are a bitch, folks, bloody life-force sucking, scrutinizing whores! That's right, I'm coming out swinging, guns blazing and ready to shoot to kill. I'm not sure where this surge of aggression comes from, but I'm definitely feeding on it today.
Mirrors come in all shapes and sizes.
First there's the reflective glass surface with a metallic backing and hopefully pretty frame. This mirror allows you to see yourself. This week this particular type of mirror is screaming a message I should have heard two months ago: "Mike, you're getting chubby ... AGAIN!" Actually, it's not even a chubby-getting judgmental frosty glare staring back at me at this point; it's a full-blown Goddamn kid, you're fat again beam of reflecty eyeballs taunting me with what I used to look like.
It's true, sadly. Before I left Sioux Falls I was actually eating pretty well ... weight was slowly starting to fall off again. Then I came back to Minneapolis and having to eat cheaply (really cheaply for now), it's all frozen pizzas and other forms of carbohydraty goodness ... chicken fingers, waffle fries, pizza rolls, frozen pizzas, potato chips, excessive amounts of pasta (fuck you Rainbow Foods with your pastas 10 for $10!)
Of course I can only blame myself. Eating healthier, even though more expensive, is not impossible. Rather than fresh fruit, there's fresh fruit that has been sliced and frozen in bags. Same with veggies. Lame, huh, chalk that up to laziness! I mean, who the fuck has time to thaw it out before eating it when you can pop a delicious pizza topped with delectable goodness in the oven for seventeen minutes and trade fifteen minutes of gluttonous gratification for some love handles?
Some of you may be thinking that I'm talking crazy (and if you actually know me, then you know a little crazy is par for my course). Yes, it's only weight, it comes off semi-easily. Who doesn't enjoy a little bulimia once in a while? Bucket for two anyone? For me it's part of a larger problem ... setting a goal and being uber-lousy with the follow though.
And then there's another kind of mirror ... this type of mirror can sometimes be the worst of all when you're not willing to really look at yourself. This type of mirror talks back, tells you things you need to hear even when you wish they'd shut the fuck up and smile and nod with you. The smiley-noddy mirrors, though ... not the best people to have around all the time. They're like the false security blanket providing you with a sense of optimism when they should be throwing a cold glass of Wake-The-Fuck-Up-Bitch in your face.
Also, I have to retract the 'bitchy, cunty, bad words' reference I made to mirrors a few minutes ago ... well, only when it comes to the animated mirrors. The reflective surface ones can suck my balls (figuratively speaking of course, I can't imagine glass feels good on one's testicles). No, the animated mirror is one you love but has the capability to infuriate the fuck out of you so dramatically that you feel you might implode, and then surprises you with chocolaty goodness and fun movies the very next minute.
Passion is another word to associate with the animated mirror. The animated mirror, if they really care for you, won't take your shit. When you push they shove back ten times harder.
Anyway, sometimes a guy needs a few different mirrors to see himself clearly.
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