I've Had ... And I Want

So tonight I rewatched a move I've not seen in years ... a film I first watched in 1999 when it came out.  As far as gay movies go, it was one of the first that was actually well-produced, well-scripted, and well-acted.  If you've never seen a little romantic comedy  called Trick, I recommend you get off your dildos and go rent it immediately.  It's about two young guys who hook up, with the intent of having sex and end up doing everything other than have sex.  It's cute, you'll have to watch.

My point is, the film, which is rather hope-inspiring as any good romantic comedy is, made me remember how optimistic and starstruck I was ten years ago.  This was before my heart was majorly broken; before one disappointment after another made me jaded; before I became a cynic.

At twenty-one I was so sure I was going to take the world by the balls and show it who was boss.  I was positive I'd find true love, and life would be hunky dory by the time I turned thirty.  Well I turn thirty-two in two months, and I am here to say life isn't hunky dory.  My optimism has taken a dark and twisty turn into something tangibly morbid.

But rather than go into all the reasons it isn't, I've got to wonder ... why isn't it?  Have I become so cynical I can't see the opportunities starting me in the face?  If a million dollar opportunity came up and slapped me in the face like a penis in the throes of oral depravity would I even recognize it?  I'm really beginning to wonder ...

But what to do to shake things up?  How to break out of my comfort zone this far into it?

I mean I could look at the things I've had.  I've found love ... four times.  I've had amazing jobs, amazing friends, amazing apartments.  I've also had a shit ton of disappointments and made a ton of mistakes.

I wonder, though, if anyone else besides me ever feels like they've burned through life too fast.  I mean, I've lived A LOT of life.  Probably twenty years' worth in a decade's time.  Sometimes I fear that means I'll spend the next decade just coasting through.

So I want to do something extreme ...

You can ride high atop your pony I know you won't fall ... 'cause the whole thing's phony.
You can fly swinging from your trapeze scaring all the people ... but you'll never scare me.